Does Civilisation End and Begin at Derby?

He holds him with his glittering eye —

The Wedding-Guest stood still,

And listens like a three years' child:

The Mariner hath his will.

The Rime of the Ancient Mariner - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Derby is a great drinking town I'm told. I have been there a couple of times before, but it was quite a few years ago.  This time, fresh from the magnificent Victoria in Beeston, Nottingham, where we had a private behind the scenes tour - one of our party knows the owner - we checked into our hotel just across from the railway station and handy for a kebab house, an off licence and a knocking shop.  What more could a man want?  Well cask beer obviously.  Now my two previous visits to Derby had, I think, confined me to just two pubs.  Who am I to break what could almost be described as a tradition?  Thus it was we convened at an old friend, the Brunswick, a magnificent Brew Pub, fashioned out of a complete mini terrace of houses and with that classic ship's prow, or flat iron front, that I for one find irresistible. I was first there, which is my bounden duty as kitty holder.

Now I am not always the most observant guy in the world and having first of all scanned the pumps to see what was on offer, I scanned the room to get my bearings and check out customers for possible danger, good looking lasses etc.  Thus when the friendly barman asked what I wanted, I didn't spot that the beer was unsparkled, until my glass, brim-full and more or less headless, was presented to me. It was I recall, from Oakham.  My companions joined me and all chose a house beer, which was enjoyed to varying degrees.  I was asked "What's yours like?"  "Pretty good" I opined, "but it would be better sparkled."  At that, a fellow barfly piped up "You should have asked for it to be sparkled then Mate, we do both."  My baleful eye was cast over the piper up.  "I'm the landlord here." he added. Now he was up for conversation and I'm always up for a sparkler debate, so it all looked promising, but this was to turn out a much more wide ranging and knowledgeable discussion than I was expecting.

"Didn't you notice the pumps then?" I was asked.  The bar was "L" shaped.  I hadn't really, but a bank of six or so to my left at right angles had the classic short spout and on/off key .  "Not them" said my new friend. "The ones in front of you."  I tiptoed up.  Each pump had the classic short spout and in addition had the revered and welcoming swan neck and sparkler. Yep. Both.   "You know why don't you?"  I was asked.  Now in sparkler conversations, I like to think I lead from the front, but this was back foot stuff.  "Umm, choice?" I ventured.  " Yes. Obviously that" said my new mentor.  "But do you know why?"  Then he pulled his rabbit out of his hat.  "Because Derby is the dividing line between Northern and Southern dispense.  Below here it is all sparklerless, above, sparkled."  I thought about it and sort of doubted it. I had no backing from my elderly friends who had all long since sat down to discuss retirement pensions, new knees and what kind of jam they like.  Could he be right?  I remembered a map I had published in this very blog about this very subject, back in 2008.  It was possible, though then and before this, I would have put Derby in the sparkled camp.  My new friend had stats.  90% of beer in his pub and elsewhere in Derby is served Southern style.  I looked round.  It was more than that there.  I couldn't doubt him.

The landlord, like the Ancient Mariner of old, had stoppethed one of four (in this case), and I was in his thrall. The telling of his tale could not be denied him.  I was powerless.  He described how unrest had come to this tranquil part of Derby on many occasions, when thirsty travellers from Sheffield, a mere 30 minutes away by train, had descended on the Brunswick, ordered pints and then gently remarked in that laid back South Yorkshire way, "Beer, beer everywhere, nor any drop to drink".  (Expressed more succinctly as "What the fuck have you done to this beer?"  After many such enquiries, the landlord had asked his handpump supplier (CFBS I think) for a solution.  It was as I already described and the second bank of pumps would be converted in due course.  The Sheffielders were happy - well as long as they chose from the converted pumps they were.

My friends were keen to move on, but I could not be denied another ten minutes discussing pulling technique - beer - not women - before I was reluctantly dragged away.  We moved on to the Alexandra, about 50 yards away and my only other visited Derby pub.  A Tynemill House, it had a great beer selection, a friendly welcome,  haggis Scotch Eggs and unsparkled beer, but with a swan neck.   We stayed almost until closing time, but I had to go back to the Brunswick for the last pint, where my new friend, the landlord pulled me a (promised) perfect sparkled pint. So.  Is Derby where North and South divide sparkler wise? My previous line was more likely to have been Birmingham, drawn at an angle though and maybe excluding Coventry below the line and Leicester above. Maybe my readers can venture an opinion or two, preferably town by town and where the line might be drawn.

For now though, I accept Derby as sparkler free by and large, but not as the dividing line.  Does my map look about right?  It doesn't to me really if I'm honest.

It is nonetheless gratifying that the line appears to be heading southward and does anyone else think as I do, that a Scotch Egg is better with just a little heat going through it?  say 30 seconds in a microwave? I know. I'm asking two big questions here.

The Good Thing About Unsparkled Beer

You can't really bugger up an unsparkled pint. Well you can, but it will be hard to tell the difference, or, crucially, how good it could have been, because of course it isn't sparkled and therefore presented at its best. As God intended.

I considered this basic truth when in one of my local pubs last night. The key to pulling a good sparkled pint is in the initial pull, which must be vigorous enough to produce the creamy head. The swan neck must go to the bottom of the glass, with the glass held straight, not tilted. The second pull can usually be less strong and the nozzle should always be kept in the beer, not raised as the glass fills. When the fill is nearly complete,a good barperson will hesitate near the top, take your money and let the pint settle while doing so. Then the pint is topped up by inserting the swan neck back into the body of the beer. It should be topped up from below, allowing the fine collar of cream to remain intact. That's the key to using a swan neck and sparkler, you fill the glass from the bottom.

There's a skill to this, but frankly it is a piece of cake once you have pulled a few pints. This is especially true when the same range of beers are sold. You get used to how they behave, but the principle is the same. Why am I telling you this? Well of course education of the heaving masses might be one reason and an honourable one at that. But it isn't. A couple of my pints were spoiled last night by incorrect topping up from the top which tends to bubble the beer and dissipate the head.

To the sparkler hater, this is neither here nor there, but to those of us that follow the true path of enlightenment, it is a heartbreaker.

At least being the North, the beer was beautifully conditioned and cool. The photos show a Yorkshire pint settling in the Riverhead Brewery Tap and the other one poured by me at home. Neither was the beer drunk last night.

PS Bon Don Doon from Wilson Potter is a lovely beer. As always, I am available to teach the uninitiated for a very reasonable fee.

Well Meaning Bar Staff

If like me you prefer your advice to be solicited, you may be slightly put out by bar staff offering guidance.  Things such as "I like that one" when you are surveying the range of beers are, to me at least, a little bit unwelcome.  While I may well turn to a trusted palate, generally what someone else likes, without knowing their predilections, is likely to be just as hit and miss as guessing and turning down their advice politely makes you seem churlish.  Of course helpful advice such as "it is pale and hoppy, dark and stouty" etc. is more useful, but these can be written on a board and that, frankly is better, though hardly foolproof.

A couple of things occurred on Saturday which I'll share with you.  In one pub after enjoying two sparkled pints of the same beer, I was so impressed with it and since neither me nor my companion were intent on moving on, why not order another?  I looked around me, taking in the scene, as my pints were poured, not by the charming young lass who'd patiently offered us tasters, but by a bebearded hipster type.  I looked at my pint. No head.  I looked at the handpump.  The sparkler had been removed.  "What's going on.  Where's the sparkler gone?" I asked.  "I took it off" quoth he, "the brewer doesn't like sparklers."

Now that may or may not be the case and anyway, a brewer's preference is just like mine. A preference. He isn't Moses.  It isn't written in tablets of stone.  Bad form to change a customer's beer in that way mid stream and anyway, Manchester is the North and beer here is sparkled as a default.  Later in a different pub, the reverse happened. Well sort of.  There was no sparkler on my Buxton beer and when I asked for one, the barmaid tossed her head and advised me that "it doesn't need one."  Hmm.

It goes back to the old adage that the customer is always right (even when he is wrong) and anyway, there is a simple way round presumption.  Just ask.

Can I also slip in a big recommendation for Young's Winter Warmer?  I only had a half, but it was delicious.

Right and Wrong Illustrated

Now we all know that beer is better sparkled. That's a fact that just can't be denied. I know its true; Tyson has said it and I've said it and he knows everything about serving beer and I know the rest.

But a picture is worth a thousand words, so to save me writing two thousand of the buggers and you reading them (or not as the case may be), here's a couple of photos that show why it is so. The first picture shows beer awaiting top up in a pub that serves its beer correctly. The second shows an unappealing unsparkled pint.













The camera doesn't lie. That's another fact, so that's the argument resolved once and for all then. Quod erat demonstrandum. It just leaves one point outstanding. The matter of where the duff pint came from. That'd be telling, but both were bought this week in the North, but its the principle of the thing I'm drawing to your attention, so no names, though I will reveal the lovely sparkled ones were from Yorkshire. They might be a bit gruff there, but they look after their ale well.

So Northern sinners, repent. For it is written, "Thou shall sparkle all cask conditioned beer. Unsparkled beer is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord".

I think it was Moses that said that and he knew a thing or two. And he wasn't a man to cross.

Dobbed Right in It

After my trip to London I fancied a good old cool, well conditioned, sparkled Northern pint or two, so met my mate Graham in the Angel, which is by the way, not being knocked down, as some rumours allege. Southport Brewery's Natterjack fulfilled that basic human need, but of course, after a couple, the siren call of the Marble Arch, a mere two hundred yards away, as always, lured us in. It also has the advantage of having my bus stop right outside it.

W90 was the drink of choice in a fairly empty pub, Pint being notable by its absence which is never a good thing. It was cool, (previous problems in that area seem to be firmly in the past) bitter, resinously hoppy and very enjoyable. It however ran out shortly afterwards, before we could complete the round. Since my next pint was to be my last, I opted for Dobber. To my surprise and annoyance, this turned out to be unsparkled, though leaning over the bar, it was the only one that was. I queried this and was advised that the bar staff had been told by the brewers that Dobber is better that way and on no account should it be served with a sparkler, unless the customer insists. What bollocks. Now I would have insisted, but since I had no warning that the only unsparkled pint was Dobber in all the eight or so that were there, it was surely reasonable on my part to assume that it would be sparkled too?*

Now listen lads. We all know you brew very good beer, but don't go telling me how it should be served to me unless you warn me of your silly preferences before I order and then I can safely over rule them. If you are going to continue to single Dobber out for unsparkled treatment, put a bloody notice up to that effect.

*And no, it didn't look or taste as good as a sparkled one would. In my opinion of course.

Over the Border

To Salford that is. E was back from London early, so a pint was in order. The Marble is getting too familiar for these post train trips and I just didn't fancy the Angel, so toting our passports we slipped across the Irwell to Salford. To the New Oxford. It's easy to find, set in a leafy square and is an attractive ex Vaux pub turned into a modern, airy and bright free house.

A few familiar faces cluttered the place. On a round tall table, Eddie, the eager, legal beagle, stalwart drinking companion of Tyson, was holding court and a few well known tickers were propping the bar up. One or two CAMRA types purred contentedly. I checked - only one beard in the busy pub and he was a ticker. So there. The beer range was extensive and mostly pale. Eddie recommended the Dark Star Sunshine, but I was drawn like a moth to flame by that most enticing of breweries - Mallinsons - this time in the shape of Cascade. Now I have to say it wasn't the finest Mallinsons ever, but it did have decent bitterness though somehow it just didn't hold together as well as usual. I then took Eddie's advice, but disaster struck. E got her half. My pint spluttered to an end. It was off. I ordered two halves. Acorn Marynka IPA. was pale, full bodied and had a spicy hoppiness that I liked a lot. What it wasn't was an IPA. Salamander Jiggery Pokery was a straightforward pale, hoppy, does what is says on the tin golden ale. Both could have been necked all night, but driving ruled that out. E's recommended beer was excellent. Good call Eddie.



The New Oxford is a modern decent pub with a great range of beers, both British and Foreign and as a bonus for Southern Softies, doesn't use sparklers. Ignore this obvious failing and go anyway.